What's up doc? Bad meds, it is.

Friday, before my lunch interview (which went swimmingly!), I saw my med doc. She's not exactly a doc. I need to explain.

God, so much information. How much should I share? How do I summarize?

Three years ago,

No. Okay, so seven years ago, I saw a psychiatrist at the same clinic where I see my counselor (we don't use the word th*r*p*st---that's another story). She didn't like the meds I was taking (prescribed by my medical doc) for depression. She wanted me on an antipsychotic (been there, done that). We'd just had a baby, were still nursing, said no. She flagged our file as a "troublemaker" and we couldn't get in to see another psych doc for four years.

So, three years ago, we get a referral from our counselor to see a med doc. She's fantastic. We really like her. No bedside manner 'tall, but we can intellectualize until the cows come home with her. Then, she leaves the clinic. Now we're rerouted onto a new med doc, but not a real doc, a psychiatric assistant or somesuch and she can write prescriptions. This PA is not as great, but okay. She leaves after 6 months. Another PA. This one we really, really like. She's the first one to say, you've been treated medically for 20+ years for depression with a side of anxiety. How about we try treating anxiety with a side of depression?

What the hell, hey? So she switched up our meds a bit, and it was awesome. It actually kept the PTSD symptoms at bay. Course it did nothing about the DID, but that's okay. We're not looking to off each other, y'know? ;-)

But then she leaves the clinic. Now we have a new PA. This one specializes in PTSD and is the first PA to have a hint about the DID, but I don't think she really knows. And I get the distinct feeling she's on meds too. Sometimes you just know these things. But she's got this agenda about using atypical antipsychotics to treat PTSD. Yeah, there's studies that show it helps some people. We tried one last summer, with disastrous results. We have a long, strong family history of diabetes, and the atypical antipsychotics are notorious for messing with blood sugar, blood pressure, cholesterol, and appetite. A goodly number of people gain weight. There's one thing we don't need.

Anyway. So we see this PTSD-specializing, antipsychotic-supporting PA on Friday, before the interview. And TA comes out and tells her that we're still having trouble sleeping, that the meds we're currently taking for sleep (Ambien, Valerian Root, Melatonin) aren't working as well as they had for the past year or so and it's taking 3-4 hours to get to sleep. If we sleep at all.

Her solution: try another pill. This time Seroquel XR, which she assures us, at the smallest dose works only as a sedative and not as an antipsychotic. TA believes her, says ok, and we take it Friday night.

Well, it did help us sleep. For about eighteen frickin' hours. It also caused the munchies, edema in the lower legs/feet, extreme dizziness, tongue numbness, muscles that wouldn't work correctly, and it totally fucked up emotions. Or did something. Crying at the drop of a hat for no known reason, a totally hopeless helpless certainty feeling.

This wasn't memories. This was bad meds. Trust me, I know what memories look and feel like and this ain't it. And if I'm right, which I know I am, all of these symptoms will be gone by the time the med is out of our physical system.

Truth is, I feel like I kinda fucked up, let the system down this time. Cos I shoulda known this would happen and fought TA and said NO FUCKING WAY are we EVER takin an antipsychotic med EVER again. I wanna march into the PA's office with the leftover meds and slam em down on her desk and say, enough! Man, I'd rather deal with the insomnia. But not everyone would.

Crystal thinks we can do a mind over matter thing, get better that way, and Jess says meditation helps even though I think it's a big waste of time, but maybe they're right. I dunno. We've had the insomnia since forever, since at least the body was four. I remember. Cos that's when D started helpin us get to sleep.

I ain't gonna get into a whole long thing in ths post, but D is somethin like a spirit guide. He ain't one of us, though he's talked to everyone inside at some point or another. His voice comes from outside, not like hearing others inside talk. And before anyone gets on my case about it, our counselor knows about him. She even took the whole matter to her supervisor's supervisor, some pastor or somethin, and they did this whole...shit, Chris help me out, what's it called... differential diagnosis...thanks..on it and he came to the conclusion that we ain't crazy, we're what he'd call a "mystic."

Yeah, Crystal totally dug that. Anyway, D used to do some sort of relaxation thing that helped us get to sleep. Worked until Caitlyn and Kari took over as hosts. Ha!

Not true. It worked for me as well, but Kari won't take help 'tall. Except perhaps from the Stoic, but they're soul-mates. Sorry I buggered in!

So we lost all of today but not cos of any time loss, just the meds, and Chris is all up in arms because we spent $40 on a copay for this "help" from the PA and another $40 on the prescription and it's all for nothing.

AND, I dunno if it makes any difference or not, but no one in the system is takin the Buspar and the Prozac that we wanted to keep cos it was workin. How do you say it's workin when you're not takin it? And hell if I'm gonna tell the PA about it. She can take her antipsychotics and shove em in her happy place.

If that aint enough there's no other PA to see in the clinic, so we gotta play nice. I gotta play nice. She's the one who prescribes the prozac and the buspar and the ambien. And I kinda got trust issues so findin another med doc ain't high on my list right now. Better the devil you know and all that...

God, how come we gotta play the PA in order to keep from gettin screwed? We're supposed to be able to tell her the truth and trust she'll try to help us. Yeah. Great fuckin help. Thanks. That helps us trust.

A'ight, me and Caitlyn are gonna go hang out inside. I'm just gettin madder and that ain't helpin the body get to sleep. Man, all we want is sleep. Restful sleep, y'know? Why is that too much to ask?

Tracy (and Caitlyn!)