Weary

I am so tired. I know I'm burned out, too, but specifically today, I'm just tired. I haven't slept well in days, awakened from the grips of several nightmares that I can't remember by the time I've thought to write them down in our journal. My anxiety level is through the roof. Phone calls leave me shaking. I'm so certain someone is unhappy with me for something. Anything.

Shea was sounding so hopeful yesterday, and she got a lot done in my absence. I thank her for that. And now I'm here and I'm just bone tired and I have financial reports to run for work and the kids are downstairs and I'm dog-sitting a friend's dog today and tomorrow all I want to do is sleep.

I'd love to just let Shea or Jessica back out, though I don't think Jess knows how to run the reports, but 1) I'm not exactly sure how to do that anymore, and 2) it seems like avoiding responsibility if I let someone else take over.

My (outside) friend J knows about "us" and has met a lot of us. Her take on it is that each of us inside has different talents and strengths, and so it's actually healthy to allow switching to use and draw upon those talents and strengths. I guess I've been in too many DID therapy settings where switching was considered unhealthy, no matter the reason, and the goal was to have one consistent host. For a long time that has been me, maybe because I'm the oldest female inside.

But I'm tired and I hurt (fibromyalgia) and I'm anxious and I'm burned out and it's really, really hard to even care anymore. I own a business (because it's really bad news if I'm working in a typical corporate setting--I've tried) and I can't bring myself to get excited about it. And that's really sad, because we got an incredible review of our work yesterday and there's a marketing opportunity there (and a limited-time window) and I can't even collect enough energy to be happy about it.

As they say, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I just want it to go away.

-Chris