I was reading an email and was immediately overwhelmed with strong emotion and a topic. I thought, "you can write about that on the blog, just as soon as I take my nighttime meds." I logged into the blog, and before it even processed my login, the feeling was gone, and along with it, any knowledge of what it was about.
I hate that.
It's not even like I can try to remember. I don't even know what the emotion was, much less what it was about. I only know it was strong.
Who does that? Who feels something strongly and then, seconds later, has no idea what the feeling was? It's because of stuff like this that I feel I can't trust myself: my feelings, my memories, my thoughts. It's easier just letting other people (IRL) decide for me, because at least they'll remember what I'm supposed to feel.
I hope that I am not over-stepping my bounds, but what I have discovered for myself is that if I am thinking about what I am feeling or supposed to feel than it is cognitive. To get to my feelings I need to be present for that moment...sometimes there are know words to describe my feelings. That is why the Creative Arts project is so helpful.
ReplyDeletetake care,
CC
Thanks, CC. In a lot of ways I hate feeling. It hurts too much. I'd much rather live in my head than in my heart. I'm trying to remind myself that really, my heart isn't all that bad a place to be, if I'm open to its beauty.
ReplyDeleteBeing present in the moment... that's a hard one.
If it helps...I do that. It can be a good thing. Last night, I felt overcome with this feeling of fear. I'm not positive, but I think it was a memory surfacing. I felt completely overwhelmed by the fear.
ReplyDeleteAnd then...I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach...then suddenly it was all gone. The feeling of fear, the dizziness everything. I was in a good mood.
It is unnerving, but I was grateful to let go of the fear...for now.