I am so tired. I know I'm burned out, too, but specifically today, I'm just tired. I haven't slept well in days, awakened from the grips of several nightmares that I can't remember by the time I've thought to write them down in our journal. My anxiety level is through the roof. Phone calls leave me shaking. I'm so certain someone is unhappy with me for something. Anything.
Shea was sounding so hopeful yesterday, and she got a lot done in my absence. I thank her for that. And now I'm here and I'm just bone tired and I have financial reports to run for work and the kids are downstairs and I'm dog-sitting a friend's dog today and tomorrow all I want to do is sleep.
I'd love to just let Shea or Jessica back out, though I don't think Jess knows how to run the reports, but 1) I'm not exactly sure how to do that anymore, and 2) it seems like avoiding responsibility if I let someone else take over.
My (outside) friend J knows about "us" and has met a lot of us. Her take on it is that each of us inside has different talents and strengths, and so it's actually healthy to allow switching to use and draw upon those talents and strengths. I guess I've been in too many DID therapy settings where switching was considered unhealthy, no matter the reason, and the goal was to have one consistent host. For a long time that has been me, maybe because I'm the oldest female inside.
But I'm tired and I hurt (fibromyalgia) and I'm anxious and I'm burned out and it's really, really hard to even care anymore. I own a business (because it's really bad news if I'm working in a typical corporate setting--I've tried) and I can't bring myself to get excited about it. And that's really sad, because we got an incredible review of our work yesterday and there's a marketing opportunity there (and a limited-time window) and I can't even collect enough energy to be happy about it.
As they say, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I just want it to go away.
-Chris
Showing posts with label Switching. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Switching. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Sometimes I don't make sense
Got in the car this afternoon to drive the (outer, in real life [IRL]) family out to lunch. While backing out of the garage, I was suddenly overcome by... well, it's really hard to describe, but... suddenly feeling like someone else.
Like we were so close, I could feel what he (yes, he) felt. Like sudden passion for things that didn't interest me one bit only seconds before. A swell of emotions, a weird kind of pressure through my body. I had to stop the car and close my eyes, chase whoever it was. Because while the feelings were familiar---I've "met" him before---I don't actually know who he is. Or how to talk to him, or how to get him to come out. I don't even know his name.
And then, just as quickly as he was there, he was gone. I checked with others inside that I can talk to easily. Shea has worked together with him, had limited co-consciousness when working on specific tasks, but she doesn't know his name or who he is either.
What I do know is that he's not from childhood. He's more recent, maybe the past 15 years or so. Did we create a new alter 15 years ago that I don't know about? How? How did we do that?
We did it for grad school, when we needed someone for a very specific course of study and we needed not to be triggered. Leslie was with us for a few years, came out for work and nothing else, and then was kind of quietly reabsorbed by the system when we no longer held that type of job. We were all ok with that.
But this? It's baffling.
I feel like I'm a whole person. I have medical problems that others in the system don't have. I have a way of doing things that others don't. And it frustrates me to no end when they mess up my systems for doing things, like paying the bills. At the same time, if I'm having a hard time opening a jar, I can ask John for help. He can usually open it. Sometimes I can get help from someone inside who's left-handed (I'm right-handed). It's like doing hand-over-hand exercises that one might do with a young child or in physical therapy, except his hand is inside mine. And his muscles are stronger. Almost like he puts on my hand as a glove.
I know, it doesn't really make sense to me, either. Except that it does, sort of. It's my life.
So, after sending Shea to chase down whoever came close to me in the driveway, I continued the drive to lunch, and realized that my vision wasn't doing very well. It's been flaky for a while now. I really have to get my vision checked, except that I think it's my eyes, not the body's eyes. How do I explain that to the ophthalmologist? Fortunately, Liam offered to drive, and after he took over (and moved the seat back and adjusted the rear view mirror---which means I have to adjust it back again), I peeked out and he could see just fine. Of course he could. Grr.
Lunch went fine. I actually remember all of it. And I asked my husband on the way home if he'd noticed any switching. Oh yes, he said. Someone else drove us to lunch, he said. I asked how he could tell. "Posture, driving style, the set of the face," he said. "And energy. Definitely male."
When I asked him to clarify a bit more, he said, "There's just a distinct difference between masculine energy and feminine energy. Yours is feminine. On the way to lunch, it was definitely masculine. No question."
I could sense TA nearby and heard/felt her question, "How can I make up masculine energy? How can I make this up if I don't know what I'm doing?" TA still doesn't accept the multiplicity, even after nearly 20 years. We cornered her one time and told her that if she was making us all up, she could un-make us, too. And then we didn't let her out for over a week. We kept saying, if you're in control, if you're making it all up, you should have control of your body, your memory, even your wallet. And then we had a field day in the mall, just to make a point. She accepted us for a while, but then she seemed to reject us again.
I know, it doesn't make sense to me, either. Except it does, sort of.
Now I'm back home and I'm bone-tired. I have work to do. Work-work, as opposed to housework or yardwork, that I wanted to have done before business hours open on Tuesday. But I'm so tired. I can't concentrate. All I want to do right now is sleep.
-Chris
Like we were so close, I could feel what he (yes, he) felt. Like sudden passion for things that didn't interest me one bit only seconds before. A swell of emotions, a weird kind of pressure through my body. I had to stop the car and close my eyes, chase whoever it was. Because while the feelings were familiar---I've "met" him before---I don't actually know who he is. Or how to talk to him, or how to get him to come out. I don't even know his name.
And then, just as quickly as he was there, he was gone. I checked with others inside that I can talk to easily. Shea has worked together with him, had limited co-consciousness when working on specific tasks, but she doesn't know his name or who he is either.
What I do know is that he's not from childhood. He's more recent, maybe the past 15 years or so. Did we create a new alter 15 years ago that I don't know about? How? How did we do that?
We did it for grad school, when we needed someone for a very specific course of study and we needed not to be triggered. Leslie was with us for a few years, came out for work and nothing else, and then was kind of quietly reabsorbed by the system when we no longer held that type of job. We were all ok with that.
But this? It's baffling.
I feel like I'm a whole person. I have medical problems that others in the system don't have. I have a way of doing things that others don't. And it frustrates me to no end when they mess up my systems for doing things, like paying the bills. At the same time, if I'm having a hard time opening a jar, I can ask John for help. He can usually open it. Sometimes I can get help from someone inside who's left-handed (I'm right-handed). It's like doing hand-over-hand exercises that one might do with a young child or in physical therapy, except his hand is inside mine. And his muscles are stronger. Almost like he puts on my hand as a glove.
I know, it doesn't really make sense to me, either. Except that it does, sort of. It's my life.
So, after sending Shea to chase down whoever came close to me in the driveway, I continued the drive to lunch, and realized that my vision wasn't doing very well. It's been flaky for a while now. I really have to get my vision checked, except that I think it's my eyes, not the body's eyes. How do I explain that to the ophthalmologist? Fortunately, Liam offered to drive, and after he took over (and moved the seat back and adjusted the rear view mirror---which means I have to adjust it back again), I peeked out and he could see just fine. Of course he could. Grr.
Lunch went fine. I actually remember all of it. And I asked my husband on the way home if he'd noticed any switching. Oh yes, he said. Someone else drove us to lunch, he said. I asked how he could tell. "Posture, driving style, the set of the face," he said. "And energy. Definitely male."
When I asked him to clarify a bit more, he said, "There's just a distinct difference between masculine energy and feminine energy. Yours is feminine. On the way to lunch, it was definitely masculine. No question."
I could sense TA nearby and heard/felt her question, "How can I make up masculine energy? How can I make this up if I don't know what I'm doing?" TA still doesn't accept the multiplicity, even after nearly 20 years. We cornered her one time and told her that if she was making us all up, she could un-make us, too. And then we didn't let her out for over a week. We kept saying, if you're in control, if you're making it all up, you should have control of your body, your memory, even your wallet. And then we had a field day in the mall, just to make a point. She accepted us for a while, but then she seemed to reject us again.
I know, it doesn't make sense to me, either. Except it does, sort of.
Now I'm back home and I'm bone-tired. I have work to do. Work-work, as opposed to housework or yardwork, that I wanted to have done before business hours open on Tuesday. But I'm so tired. I can't concentrate. All I want to do right now is sleep.
-Chris
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)