Backlash

When I set out last night to write on the blog, I never intended to write about my mystery spirit visitor. I'd planned to write a post about how the messages I heard repeatedly as a child formed my self-worth (or lack thereof). That I was far from special. I was Not Good Enough (no matter what).

Imagine my surprise when a completely different post came about. But one of the rules we (as a DID system) decided on was that this blog was for expression and working through things, and as such, we would not delete posts written by others in the system. If someone else inside wanted to write a rebuttal, or explain another perspective, that was fine. But no destroying anything that another created.

But that didn't stop the internal backlash as a result of last night's post. It went something like this:

Such pretty words, saying anyone can benefit from the resources of the universe. But that's not true, is it? Because if everyone had conversations with spirit guides or angels or whatever they are, you wouldn't be worried about people thinking you're insane. No, you didn't reassure anyone with that post---you just set out to describe how you're oh so special and not everyone has these experiences. In fact, you'll make anyone who reads that post feel worse, not better. No one's going to want to be friends with you. No one's even going to want to like you. Congratulations.

I was really starting to question whether I should leave the post up or not. Except taking it down was against the rules. I didn't want anyone to feel worse, or to think that post was self-important. Because that's so not what I was trying to do. I really wanted to offer hope. I really believe that there are vast resources for anyone who wants them, whether it comes in the form of mysterious visitations or dreams or messages from the ancestors or unexplained knowing or visions or inspiration.

A long heartfelt talk with my IRL friend J helped a lot. She reminded me that the purpose of this blog isn't necessarily to educate or inspire (though it'd be great if it did), but to share experiences, which is exactly what I did. She also pointed out that everyone has different strengths. Some people have perfect pitch, can play piano effortlessly, or run a four-minute mile, or fly an airplane, or develop iPhone apps, or do chemistry or calculus. I can't do any of those. I just have mystical experiences.

So I won't break the rules and take it down. And I will keep reminding myself of what my counselor keeps telling us: "Your experience is your experience and it doesn't need to be anything more." And I will keep sharing, despite the critical voice(s) in my head.

And maybe my next post will be the one I started to write last night.

~Shea

Who We Are

When we were first diagnosed, there were a lot of us. We did years of intensive therapy, including programs specifically for people with DID. Many of the smaller parts integrated (what we used to call the i-word). A few of the more complete¹ alters² integrated, too, though we still see hints of them in those of us who remain.

We have done temporary integrations, what we like to call The Alliance, wherein many of us will work together as one. This is particularly useful on the outside: at work, with friends who don't know us as an "us," even with our outside kids. Eventually, it falls apart. But I digress.

***THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS WORDS THAT MAY BE POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING***

Those who are most like to write or be referred to here are, in alphabetical order (no hurt feelings):

• Adrian (male, unknown age): used to be named Nasty, and tormented the Little Ones on the inside. Now functions as a protector.
  
• Angry Woman (female, unknown age): like a non-DID person's self-criticism and self-doubt cranked up to the nth degree. She finds fault with everything we say or do.
• Caitlin (female, 20's): musician, singer/songwriter. British. Was co-host with Kari in college.
  
• Chris (female, 30's): mother-figure, business-oriented, always practical. Suffers from fibromyalgia, OCD & workaholism. Has been host the longest in adulthood. Frequently co-hosts with Shea.
  
• Constance (female, 20's): the "cheery maid," she enjoys cleaning the house and making it presentable.
• Crystal (female, 20's): very spiritual and attuned to energy manipulation and healing, stones, totems, reincarnation, angels, and spirit guides.
  
• Jessica (female, 14): used to call herself No One, but has perhaps come the farthest in healing. She is known for being able to see truth in the midst of complexity, and enjoys being a teenager.
  
• John (male, 40's): father figure, recovering alcoholic (though the body is not). Oftentimes the voice of reason and sanity in an otherwise chaotic world.
• Kari (female, 20's): sees herself as a freedom fighter in a never-ending war. The only alter who can function well without sleep or food for long periods. Works closely with the Stoic.
  
• Laura (female, 7): holds most of the incest memories. Her twin sister, Kim, is a happy-go-lucky child.
  
• Liam (male, 40's): Scottish. Drives the car when the Little Ones are out. Loves to drive on winding country roads and tinker with the car.
  
• Little Ones (various): now generally speaking as one, the Little Ones are the small child alters, all younger than seven.
• Rebekah (female, 19): Jewish, religiously observant, loves to learn Talmud, believes that our soul is Jewish. Highly wary of Christian proselytizing
• Shea (female, 30's): fun-loving, loves to write stories and poetry, was primary host through graduate school, interested in psychology, education, human motivation.
• Stoic (male, 30's): para-military, very good with mechanics, prides himself on being able to control and even eliminate emotion. Sees himself in the same war as Kari.
  
• TA (female, 40's): holds all of the good memories from childhood and doesn't believe there was ever any abuse or that we're DID. Super skeptical about anything that can't be explained by hard science.
• Tina (female, 20's): our "artist in residence." Loves to draw and paint and work on graphic design.
  
• Tracy (female, 16): primary protector. Known for telling it like it is and being unapologetic for her language.

One thing we've learned: the size of the system (number of alters) is not necessarily proportional to the amount or severity of abuse or trauma experienced. Each system is different and creates the alters it needs to create to survive.

In our case, all but two of the alters named above (Kim and TA) have experienced trauma: physical, sexual, and verbal abuse at the hands of the parents and two babysitters; multiple sexual assaults; and what we can only describe as religious abuse: some very passionate Christian fundamentalists who thought that showing what Hell was like to a bunch of little kids in a home Bible school would scare them into being good Christians.

The thing is, while we were born from trauma, we are not our memories. Sure, our memories have shaped our perspectives, our fears. But because we were able to switch³ and not let any one alter experience everything we've lived through, we've been able to help each other, support each other, feel compassion for each other. It wasn't always like this; it took many years of therapy to get where we are now. And we're still trying to get better.

Will full integration be the final goal? Don't know. We managed to create an Alliance, a sort of mask behind which we all tried to work together, that lasted for several years, more or less. But when one of the parents died, it fell apart. And we're realizing that we're actually healthier when we allow switching and encourage co-consciousness⁴ than we are when we try to all act as one. So who knows...

---

1. Complete here means having a more complete personality: likes, dislikes, posture, manner of speaking, self-image, etc. Not just a holder of specific memories.

2. Alters is a word often used to describe the various "ego-states" or personalities or parts in a DID system. We didn't like "parts" because many felt that they were complete people, not just a part of someone else. Alters works for us. Besides, then we can joke about an "alter ego" having done something...and it's true!

3. Switching refers to the act of shifting from one alter to another. In our system, whoever is currently in control of the body is said to be "out" while everyone else is inside.

4. Co-consciousness is when one or more alters inside are aware of what's going on outside: who's out, what they're saying and doing, where they parked the car...

Why on earth a blog?!

We decided, at long last, to start a blog. Why? Because we're convinced it will help in our healing. And maybe, while we're at it, we can fight the stigma and myths that have surrounded DID for years.

We haven't worked all the kinks out yet, so please be patient. Among other things, we're trying to figure out how best to post. How much info to share. Having one official "blogger" or each having their own voice.

Ok, apparently own voices is winning by a long shot. So now, in different fonts? Colors? Just names?

Geez. Tracy here, for whoever actually reads this crap. You don't have to make it so f-ing complicated. Just let us say what we want to say, however we want to say it. Yeah, yeah, as long as it doesn't violate terms of service or whatever. It doesn't have to replace the journals, just stuff we can share with the world, y'know? And hey, if people learn that this is real and we ain't makin it up and this ain't no false memories bullsh*t (I'm bein nice with my words, see), then all the better. Just LET GO and stop tryin to control everything. K?

Uh... Ok. I guess what we do need is some sort of brief description of who might be writing here. I think I'll do that in a separate post. And now Tracy's mad at me. What can I say? I'm the planner, the practical one. My name's Chris (female). We'll introduce ourselves in the next post.